Survey
Single men always say, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"
Well, a nation wide survey for the women.
80% of todays women are against marriage.
Why?
Because they say, "Why buy the entire PIG just to get a little sausage?"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
I can go fishing!
Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings a box of tampons to the register.
The cashier looks at the boy and asks, "Hi. Are these for your mom?"
Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, "Umm, no."
The cashier says, "Oh. Then they're for your sister?"
Little Johnny says, "Uh-unh."
The cashier, now a bit curious, says, "Oh. Then they must be for your granny!"
Little Johnny says, "Nope."
The cashier is now really confused. Finally she asks, "Well, what are you going to do with them?"
Little Johnny says, "Well, I'm not sure yet. But on TV, they said if I buy these I can go fishing and swimming and horseback riding!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
The Divorce…
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.
"Your Honor," replied the defendant, "that man represented me in a bitter
divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held.
The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get.
My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry."
"I can't see why you'd punch a man for that," interrupted the judge.
"Wait, there's more...
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the
bright side. I asked why.
Then he said, "Because everything's coming up Rose's."
"THAT'S when I hit him!"
Lost Sneakers
A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and
then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as
to go upstairs and get me my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's
daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and
quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me
here to have anal sex with you."
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK,
let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of
them?"
The father shouts back, "Yes, both of them!"
Farmer's Daughters
Ok, there's a farmer and he has 3 teenage daughters. One night around 7:30 the doorbell rings. He goes to answer the door and there is a teenage boy standing there.
Farmer: Hi. Can I help you?
Boy: Yeh... My name is Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna' see a show, Can she go?
Farmer: Well, of course, but she's not ready yet. You can come in and sit on the sofa and wait.
Joe goes and sits on the sofa, and about 10 minutes later the doorbell rings again. The farmer answers the door, and there's another teenage boy out on the porch.
Farmer: Hi, How can I help you?
Boy#2: Hey! My name is Eddie, and I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?
Farmer: No she's not but you can join Joe on the sofa.
About 5 minutes later, Joe, Flo, Eddie, and Betty all leave to go to town. Later that evening, the farmer hears tires squealing, a car door slam and footsteps running up the front stairs. The doorbell rings so he grabs his shotgun just in case something bad happens. When he opens the door, there's another teenage boy standing there and he reeks of booze.
Farmer: Let me guess, you're here to see one of my daughters.
Boy#3: Yeah... My name is Chuck....
BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q: How many firemen
Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?A: Four--one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
New Baby
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Holy mother
holy mother ful of grace,
bless my boyfriends gorgeousface,
keep him safe from all the girls,
bless his arms, that are so strong,
keep his hands were they belong,
bless his dick the one i sucked,
bless the bed in which we fucked,
and if my my mom happened to walk in bless the shit that id be in.